A commission came to a mental hospital to see if some of the patients could be released. The first patient walked in.
"What would you do if you were released?" the commission asked.
"I would run home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."
"Sorry, you'll have to stay here for a while."
Next patient walked in. "What would you do if we released you?"
"First, I would go to a restaurant to have a good dinner."
"And after the restaurant?"
"Oh, then I would go home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."
One more patient walked in. "What would you do if you were released?"
"Oh, Oh.... First I would find a quiet place where I could sleep for ten hours without being bothered by the nurses with their syringes."
"And afterwards?"
"Then I would run home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."
Almost ready to give up, the commission decided to try one more patient. The man walked in and was asked the same question.
"Oh, first I would go to a public beach or a park to look for a pretty girl."
"Well, it's a sound idea. And next?"
"I would invite her to take a seat on a bench. Then I would gently embrace her shoulders."
"Very sound idea. And next?"
"Then I would put my hand on her knee.... And then gradually move my hand up her thigh."
"Hm-m. You seem to have quite normal impulses. Continue."
"Then I would check if she wore stockings. You know, those supported by elastic suspenders."
"Hm-m. It's a sound impulse of a healthy man. Continue."
"I would pull a rubber thread from the suspenders...."
"Stop! What for?"
"Don't you know? I would use the thread to make a sling, then find a proper stone to put into the sling, then go home and use the sling to kick out my mother-in-law's right eye!"

Translated by Mark Perakh

A boy asks his father, "Pa, why grandma is running in the vegetable garden in zigzags?"
"It's for you that she is grandma. For me she's mother-in-law. Now keep quiet and let me take a better aim."

Translated by Mark Perakh

The mother-in-law was dying. She said to her son-in-law, "I had been a good mother-in-law for you. Please, promise to fulfil my last wish. I want to be buried in the Red Square. Under the mattress I have ten thousand rubles, all my life savings. Take them and spend them to get me buried in the Red Square."
The son-in-law took the money and left. In a few hours he came back, and said, "You'll get what you wish. Don't ask how I managed that, just they said you must be there tomorrow by noon, sharp!"

Translated by Mark Perakh

!!! MOST Beautiful Russian girls !!!

A telephone rang in a hospital.
"Please, send an ambulance, our mother-in-law has eaten poisonous mushrooms."
The ambulance came, the paramedics took mushrooms for analysis, and looked at the victim.
"But why is she all over in bruises and scratches?"
"Didn't want to eat the mushrooms."

Translated by Mark Perakh

A man walked in the street and encountered a funeral procession. Right after the hearse, a black goat was walking, and after the goat a long line of mourners.
"Whose funeral is it?" the man asked.
A man in black said, "My mother-in-law."
"And how did she die?"
"This goat has butted her to death."
"Hey, lend me your goat just for one day, won't you?"
"Don't you see how long is the line for this goat?"

Translated by Mark Perakh